Attitude Of Gratitude

With many experiences of abuse and a father who tried to make me feel worthless, I have felt pretty low on many occasions. I well understand how such mental pain could cause a person to become depressed, or even to contemplate suicide. But I managed to chug along because I discovered a formula that worked for me each time. Here is what I did:

I made a list of the positives in my life. Some times I had to start at the very bottom, because nothing about my life felt positive. I'd come up with things that might seem silly, like one time I began my list by writing, "I'm not in a coma." Then a negative thought quickly followed: Maybe I'd be better off in a coma because I wouldn't be in such pain. After considering this for a while, it occurred to me: how do I know that people in comas aren't thinking and able to feel pain? Perhaps they are aware and feeling worse pain that I am just by being in a body that does not function. Once I got to this idea, I could return again to the positive "I am not in a coma, my body is fully functional" and get back on track, continuing my list. It worked. By doing this I was able to get on with my life.

LIFE LESSONS. I spent years wishing I'd had a normal, happy childhood. As I have grown in understanding what happened to me as a result of reading Cliff Isaacson's Birth Order books, a funny thing happened. I no longer wish I'd had a different childhood. Instead I have started feeling genuinely thankful for the abuse I'd endured! Not because I enjoyed the pain, but because of all the things I had learned about life as a result. Abusive people are actors who can hide who they really are. Yet I can quickly identify an abusive personality and choose not to work with them. I can identify and choose to steer clear of this personality in my personal life. I am no longer a victim to my abusive relatives. Most people who have not experienced abuse cannot identify an abusive personality until it is too late. Most people who have experienced abuse fail to learn how to do this and become repeat victims. I am free of this dynamic. I am grateful for what I have learned!