An only-child gal pal grew up in a healthy, happy family. She is emotionally balanced, fun, attractive. We have enjoyed our friendship for years.
She has married and divorced two abusive men. In both, the pattern was the same. The man actively courted her, sweeping her off her feet with lavish praise and attention. Feeling the luckiest girl in the world, she said yes to each man's proposal. Both of them became abusive on their wedding day; the first on their first night together as a married couple, the second turned abusive to her right after their church wedding, during the reception that followed. Extricating herself from these marriages has been extremely difficult, as each man has continued to try to control her and abuse her, even when she moved thousands of miles away.
My friend has repeatedly asked what is wrong with herself, that she keeps marrying abusive men. That she wouldn't be able to identify who these men were before getting involved with them. She thought it was her fault. Although she'd love to be married again, she is fearful of getting into another bad match.
I shared Cliff Isaacson's books, especially his Birth Order for Couples, with her. She says she is clearly an Only and her husbands have both clearly been abusive Fourth personalities. She has told me repeatedly that she loves the insights she has gained from Cliff's Birth Order. Finally she understands what was happening in her failed marriages.
Life lesson: My friend now understands that abusive men put on an act to possess a woman. That her personality has a tough time intuitively picking up on that. That a person has to beware of anyone who is overly complimentary, who is attentive to the point of controlling your time and activities, and who is quick to anger and ready to physically fight anyone who he believes offends you to prove his love. These were all clues she failed to heed in her abusive husbands.
5 comments on Abuse Times Two
Add a comment
To add comments without entering your email and image verification, you must be logged in. Login or Join Blogster
I enjoy your writing and insights. They turn negative into positives.
I am a fourth out of seven. Sorry for your friend. Any insights I can lend please feel free. Cliff's books help me see being ununderstood is ok and to see a value on unique insights I may have.
Anger is a terrible thing for all. Too much of it in the world. Take it slow.
Because of Birth Order, I feel fortunate to be at peace, despite a family that others would find extreme. Merely reading Birth Order's material leads to understanding oneself and others, which is a relief, despite bad circumstances. Knowing that I can recognize an abuser means I need not worry about inadvertently getting involved with that wolf in sheep's clothes ready to attack me unawares. This knowledge is valuable not only in romantic relationships, but also in business and social situations.
I'm happily married; discussing Cliff Isaacson’s birth order enriches our relationship. I highly recommend his book, BIRTH ORDER EFFECT FOR COUPLES, to anyone in or contemplating a relationship. It will open your eyes and change your life!